It’s not easy, I’ll tell you that. I can’t tell you how much guilt and aspiration I’ve accumulated over the years. It’s a toxic mix. And a stimulating one. So yeah, it can get confusing.
I start off thinking about all the people I know and love. The ones in my family, and the ones I grew up with, and the ones I met along the way. The ones I remember, and the ones I’ve forgotten. The ones I tried something with. The ones I just watched from afar and wished to be more connected to…
And that’s where it starts to go off the rails. The minute I get sucked into the past and start to attempt rewriting the story. At a certain point, it ain’t about rewrites, I’ll tell you that. It’s about being in a different place now, and just owning that. Seriously..
It’s not about being mad and harping on all the shit that has happened to me along the way. We’ve all got our shit. Lord knows. It’s about just watching it float by in that river of memory and being soothed by the bouncing, bobbing current of yep, there it goes…
And OK, now this part is important, so pay attention. I am learning to stop myself from just making up scary stories. You know, the ones that block you from saying yes to yourself.(Note: I do NOT have this part completely worked out, so please don’t ask me for advice. This is a total work in progress.) I refer once again, to the great words of my therapist, Roberta, who said, many years ago, in response to my inordinate concern over what other people were thinking about me at any given moment: “You’re just not that important.” Thank you. I am forever grateful.
OK, would you prefer a list? I know that’s more the common parlance these days.
If I must…
1) Quick tidbit of advice for parents of pre-adolescents: Tell them that the more they do for themselves, the less they have to rely on other people. That ought to chill things out a bit and maybe motivate them to take a few steps away from you. Or make you feel better. Either one.
2) It’s almost impossible to not come across as snarky in writing these days. Everything is sarcastic and referential and mostly detached – it’s in the air. It’s the style of our times. How did all this unchecked psychic disassociation develop such strong literary and pop cultural roots? Is it even literary? Or is it just ubiquitous? I think my head is pretty far up the ass of social media, so I’m not sure.
3) When you look at your child, and you see the awkwardness of a mature soul struggling with a half-formed body, you realize how far you’ve come as an adult. Imagine, having survived all that, made a ton of mistakes, and still come out halfway cool.
4) It’s funny to me that there is this whole science of being “queer.” There’s an academic discipline built around the concept of not being easy to categorize. I should have majored in queer studies.
5) OK, to be clear. It’s not that I don’t recognize the need for boundaries. Quite the contrary. It’s just that the kinds of boundaries we’re fed as the important ones may not necessarily be, if you know what I mean.
6) Recognizing the inevitability of interruption is essential to inner peace. You will never have the amount of unbroken time you desire. It is impossible. Life is infinitely more unpredictable and challenging than any of us imagined. Even more than that. Deal with that, accept that, and you are halfway, no make that most of the way there. Seriously.
7) Put 5) and 6) together and you have what is known as “controlled chaos.” Learn to love it.
8) When you give things away, they’re not talismans. They don’t give you power over the current owners. You let them go, and they go on to their new place in the universe. It’s a beautiful thing.
9) Just shut up about it already.
10) You might need to take a nap.